Keitai Bloopers
They are insane. Last Friday I bought a phone from Vodafone. Actually it was free with a one year contract but also came with a lot of grief. Buying the phone appeared to be easy. I was helped in choosing one, so I got a pretty good one, high quality screen, good camera, mp3 player, good stuff, but nothing we don’t have in America. The phone is a bit bigger than American phones, so I wasn’t really too happy with the purchase, but I needed a phone. After we got everything straightened, they took my bank account, my copies of my passport and alien registration, then they told us to come back in an hour.
Well, later that night I went to my translator’s house for dinner. He has a really huge house, and believe it or not, it’s a Japanese style house! Of course, I’m kidding, but actually I’m not. It was a pretty sweet house, with a joining tea room, and other mysterious rooms you’d only find in a Japanese home. His kids were thrilled to see me and even sang “America America” to me. Not sure what cartoon it was from, but it was definitely cute. Dinner was pretty good, no horse meat, or whale. I also tried shochu for the first time. It’s like a harder sake, so of course that meant they had to water it down. So it was like sake and water, they don’t really mix well. I did the stupid foreigner thing and popped out an edamame that flew across the room and at which point they all laughed at me. The sucky thing is is that I’ve been cooking edamame my first week here, so I really don’t know how the hell I messed that up. Anyways, back to the phone.
Well I stayed at the house too late, so we couldn’t pick up the phone. My translator said he would take me the next day to pick it up. That night we went to my first fireworks festival. At first it was pretty lame. They didn’t have any of the cool fireworks we have at Disneyland with exploding shapes, like happy faces. But then the fireworks really came. In America it usually isn’t exciting until the grand finale. But here, it was nothing but the grand finale. And the fireworks seem to explode louder and you can really feel them in your chest. Oh, yes the phone.
So the next day we go to pick up the phone, and they tell us we must wait a few minutes. So we browse the store again. I start checking out phones that are much cooler than mine and get upset about my purchase. We ended up waiting an hour, at which point they asked for my passport. I asked why they needed my passport because I didn’t have it. The girl said she wanted my American address. I told her the passport doesn’t have such a thing, that the copies they made had all the information on the passport. So I offered up my driver’s license. She acted as if it were a piece of paper with a stick figure drawn by a four year old and I was trying to get into a night club with it. I tried to convince her that it was a real legal US document. She wouldn’t bite, she kept asking for the stupid passport. I said chick, my address isn’t on the passport. So she went to the back room for the 13th time and came out and said I could write my address on the paper. Again I said, why don’t you copy my license, at least it looks more official than my sloppy handwriting in pencil, she declined, and so she got my address in pencil. We left, and I thought that would be the end of it.
The phone had a feature that allows mp3 playback. I couldn’t get this to work. And since I never really liked it I had Motoko, my translator’s wife, take me to Vodafone today to return it, or possibly upgrade. Last week before we left they had mentioned that if the reception was bad I would be able to return the phone. With that in mind we told them the reception was bad, duh. Right away she offered me another phone, at which point I said okay, and wandered around the store. The phone I really wanted to buy last week was now on sale for 40 bucks. Last week is was 150 bones. I was set; I was going to get this phone. It has a TV function, radio, internet, 2 built in cameras, video calls, comics, and I mean it’s a sweet keitai (cell phone).
Once I told the clerk I wanted the phone, she said I couldn’t get another phone, because no matter the phone, the reception will not be good. I told her I would take that chance. Since this exchange became a phone swap because of the features she said I couldn’t change phones. Reminded me of the time Jerry tried to return a coat out of spite and was told this was an invalid reason, so Jerry said, “fine, I just don’t want it anymore.” “Too late” the clerk said, “You already said you were returning it because of spite.” So, I could only change phones if the reception was bad. I pleaded with her and said that the mp3 functions of the current phone didn’t work, but to my dismay that didn’t sway her. So I said, fine, fuck it, the reception sucks, I want my money back, take the phone, and cancel the bloody account. She did just so, and Motoko and I left.
We had lunch, went shopping at the dollar store, which is another experience I will write about later, then we went to a big electronics store, kind of like a best buy, and we looked at new phones. This new place was really rad. They were able to match the price of the TV phone and not hassle me. The girl also explained the plans to me better, and even had a brochure in English, which the other branch didn’t have, or at least didn’t’ offer. So I have a new phone, and the Japanese are insane.