DearScotty

Now that my brain feels like it’s bleeding, I’m officially sick of the kerosene heaters placed in the classrooms to turn frozen Japanese kids into radioactive epileptics. I can barely type; I’ve clogged my sinuses with brain juice. So what’s my escape from this kerosene fueled hell?

Yesterday, I was fortunate enough to have been volunteered for to participate in the kindergarten Christmas party. There weren’t many white Santas on break from the mall so I was chosen to dress up as Nick. I didn’t fight it, it got me out of the junior high and I figured I would go home after it finished. Besides, my mate Steve dressed up as an alligator at a skating rink and danced the chicken dance and handed out prizes to kids with the best moves. I could never trump the image of shy old Steve inside an animal costume waving to little children while somehow trying to free one hand to slit his wrists. So, I knew I didn’t have it bad.

The first act of the party was an old magician. I was hoping for some sweet Japanese tricks but all I got was a $10.95 magic kit from Target. I didn’t know there were 35 tricks with knotted ropes. Who knew the knots could come apart in so many ways? The next portion of the magic extravaganza showed off the magician’s talent with mysterious rings that some how lock with each other. Sadly, the kids weren’t too enthused either; they kept turning around and pointing out “Scotty sensei.” The finale didn’t involve rabbits but white poster board with a bunch of numbers written in black. He had a teacher volunteer to write her birthday and age down on a piece of paper that only the audience could see. Then the magician showed us about 20 cards packed with numbers and we were asked to say whether or not the birthday and age were on the boards. After giving some false answers, the magician tried the trick again. And wow, what do you know? He got the birthday and age correct! I’m still trying to figure out how he pulled that one off.

Next on the Christmas show was Balloon Women. Balloon Women is an old woman dressed as an elf or an “other” from lost, one or the other. I didn’t catch her show because I was pulled away so I could dress up as Santa. I was the finale act! My first time headlining a show! There were cheers, and there were tears. How could they be scared of me? Maybe it was the beard, kids hate beards right? Well I think the moms enjoyed Santa a little more than the kids. They wouldn’t let me go home and resume catching up on Lost because they wanted shit loads of group photos.

If you’d like to see some Scotty Clause photos just email me. I really don’t want to post that stuff on the internet, it’s shameful. I’m also inviting questions. I can be the Abby of Japan. If you want to know anything about Japan or life, or the multi-verse then email dearscotty@gmail.com

Dear Scotty,

Does Costco have Hi-Chews?

Yours truly,

Bonkers in Buena Park

Dear Matt,
Thank you for the question. I am sorry but, Costco doesn’t carry Hi-Chew candies. If you would care for a 10 pound bag of dried mini fish let me know. For your question you will be receiving a mini candy bar of which you do not already have in your gorgeous collection.

Sincerely,
Scotty

This entry was posted on Tuesday, December 19th, 2006 at 2:47 pm and is filed under about my day. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.