Fear Factor Lunch
I was once again invited to a feast for the ages. Luckily, I knew in advance and brought some snacks to munch on before the clock struck death. I’ve become a regular at these “secret” lunches and so I’ve grown accustomed to the paralyzed boy coughing up all his food and the (few chromosomes short of a baseball team) retard girl eating directly from the main dish of food. I’ve learned to scoop the food up before retard touches it, and finish before wheelchair boy starts throwing up. Today my plan didn’t quite work. It appeared as though wheelchair boy acquired a Pavlovian response to the sound of the scissors mincing up his food. No, he doesn’t start drooling, rather, he starts coughing and gagging. Here I am, trying to get the cold stir fry (which was previously fried for about 4 seconds) into my mouth without barfing at the sounds around me. Retard girl begins eating the potato salad directly from the dish and is sure to lick her chopsticks clean after each bite. I managed to finish my plate by somehow zoning out. Sure, contestants on Fear Factor can drink pig anus shakes, but can they eat a piece of pie while retarded children throw up around them?
Unfortunately for me, the lunch ended quite nicely. I was being a complete asshole, gagging as the poor helpless boy spit out his flan while complaining in my head about the cold food. Hirai-sensei, the big fat lady, announced to me that she was retiring. I guess the retard girl already knew, so the woman who feeds the boy brought out a present for Hirai-sensei. Then the retard girl began to read a letter to her at which point Hirai-sensei started balling like a mad woman. I felt like a monster at a burial ceremony for some eight year old’s dead hamster. I felt guilty for thinking such harsh things, and promised not to blog about it. But eh, I couldn’t help it.
April 4th, 2007 at 3:33 pm
was the picture necessary?!